Carpe Diem

The first two visitors I had here made me question whether in-country visits are a good thing or a bad thing.  I can't deny the good time I had during the visits, but when each visitor left, especially my sister, I was left feeling empty, counting the months, and then the days, wishing they both were drastically less.  My mother came to visit for Thanksgiving and my birthday and I'm not sure I can say the same thing this time.  After being here for so long, I kind of grew numb to the experience--I've forgotten to live in the moment. Rather, I have been living in tomorrow, musing at the life I'm "missing out on" in the States.  My mind has slowly begun to ignore the beauties that, before I grew "bored," had the ability to hypnotize me each time I looked far off into the distance.  However my mom was able to bring back the excitement for me.  Every time she looked off into the distance, she was scrambling to retrieve her camera so that she could capture every wonder--every beauty.  And each time she fumbled with the zipper of her purse, I chuckled inside at the thought that I too was once this excited about being in Rwanda and just had to capture everything within the lens of my hand held digital.

During her time in Rwanda, my mom had a chance to

stay in my village for a few days, which helped me to re-appreciate the culture, my coworkers, and all the things I decided I now near hate about this country.  The nosiness, the lack of understanding that sometimes you just want to be alone, and all the other things that I naturally wish I didn't have to live with for two years.  I was reminded that the nosiness is merely curiosity.  People just want to know about us.  We're different.  We live different lives.  We're from a different place.  We eat different foods and like different sports.  The people around me just want to know about those differences; they want to understand why we like what we like and what it is that does make us so different.  They're not being nosy as much as their minds are simply expressing curiosity.  It was small moments throughout my mom's time here that made me reflect on things like this and made me want to reevaluate my attitude toward the cultural differences that I initially appreciated, but have grown to despise.

Thinking back to when my mom stepped off her plane, I expected to cry when I saw her.  However when the tears didn't come, I just knew my body was saving them for when she'd leave.  As it turns out, I didn't cry then either; not because I didn't miss her or because I was ready for her to leave, but I'd like to think it's because I have learned to think about things differently.  Rather than focusing on the time we've spent apart, I prayed that God would help me to appreciate the time that we were able to spend together.  I think as humans, we spend too much time focusing on what we wish we had and the things we wish we could do; at this point in my life, I'm choosing to focus on who I have and cherish the moments that God has blessed us to spend together.  I'm only here for 7 more months, what sense would it make to have my heart leave so soon when I have so much more to experience in such a short time?

Since my mom's departure, I'm no longer counting down the days, rather I'm counting my blessings and focusing on the good times I've had thus far.  I have learned more about myself in this year and a half away than I have in my 25 years of life.  I know what makes me happy; I know what I do and don't need to feel content; I know what it means to appreciate time; I know what it means to live free, unbind my mind, and just be myself.  I don't think anything I do will ever be this hard, but it also won't be as selfless, transforming, or meaningful. 

Quintus Flaccus (Horace) said it plain and simple, "Carpe Diem" ...seize the day.  We have to live for today and let tomorrow be a worry of its own.

Love and Peace Corps,

Dametreea

For your reading pleasure, here is the poem where the phrase Carp Diem originally came from. 

(translated to English)

Don't ask--it's forbidden to know--what end

the gods have to me or you, Leuconoe.

Don't play with Babylonian  numerology either.

How much better is it to endure whatever will be!

Whether Jupiter has allotted to sink you

many more winters or this final one

which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea

on the rocks placed opposite--be wise

be truthful, strain the wine,

and scale back your long hopes to a short period.

While we speak, envious time will have already fled.

Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next.